by Rose Madder
CW: Sexual Assault
I have been trying to process some painful memories today to share some of my stories. This is dedicated to all the amazing, courageous women who have inspired me to delve deep.
I was the most sheltered, naive person in my college. Most of my friends there were a few years older than me. One night, I met this guy at a friend’s apartment. We hit it off, and he came home with me. I assumed we were just going to fool around, since that’s all I had ever done before, but soon his clothes were off. I was so frozen with shock, I never said no. It took months before I realized it wasn’t consensual. I lost a piece of myself that night that I don’t think I can ever recover.
A few years later, I was out at a bar with friends. One offered to drive me home but then made up a bullshit excuse to take me back to his apartment. He made a move on me, and I rejected it. He put on porn and jerked off in front of me. When he was done, he cuddled up next to me, as I lay frozen in terror again. I couldn’t sleep at all, positive he would assault me once I did. Some of my friends are FB friends with him, so it’s especially lovely to see his face as a reminder of that memory.